Fri 07 Oct 2016, 09:37
Continued proof reading:
page 12: "Your wish must reasonable, you cannot, for example, force an NPC to act completely against her own interests." Should be : "Your wish must be reasonable. You cannot, for example, force an NPC to act completely against her own interests."
"You know where to strike to make the enemy fall and not get back up again." While not really wrong, it is confusing wording ("back up" is also a word which could be used in this context and it is a repetition with "again"). Should be, I think: "You know where to strike to make the enemy fall and not get up again."
page 16: "Does not work for quick shots (page xx).." Should be: "Does not work for quick shots (page xx)."
"Artificial gills allow you extract oxygen from water." Should be: "Artificial gills allow you to extract oxygen from water."
"The modifier also applies to dance and other physical activity." Not incorrect but not very logical. Probably should be: "The modifier also applies to dance and other physical activities."
page 17: "Your muscles are bionically altered for incredible explosive speed, making you a fast runner." Probably should be: "Your muscles are bionically altered for incredibly explosive speed, making you a fast runner." (although adjectives can be used as adverbs, it sounds weird to the ear).
"You can use tools, make repairs, operate computers or do other tasks that require fine motor skills with extraordinary skill." Correct but inelegant (repetition). Suggestion (but I'm sure there is something better): "You can use tools, make repairs, operate computers or do other tasks that require fine motor skills with extraordinary ease."
page 18: "Opinions, morals and worldview can make something true to someone and false to someone else." Should be (for consistency's sake): "Opinions, morals and worldviews can make something true to someone and false to someone else." (NOTE: I have checked around for the plural of worldview, which is a direct translation of the German "Weltanschauung", and it seems commonly be formed by adding an s).
"If you focus your thoughts on a person you have previo-
usly met, you can tap into that person’s sensory input." The word cut (if any) should of course be:
"If you focus your thoughts on a person you have pre-
viously met, you can tap into that person’s sensory input." Or even:
If you focus your thoughts on a person you have previous-
ly met, you can tap into that person’s sensory input.
"You ask questions of the GM about yourself or someone else taking part in the séance." While grammatically correct, I believe native English speakers would prefer the form: "You ask the GM questions about yourself or someone else taking part in the séance." It is also a shorter form, which is always nicer.
Not a language issue, but for Premonition to work as intended, it would be much better if the GM secretly rolled for the PC and gave him the information only if he/she passed the test. As it is, it makes the test irrelevant since the player will know of the impending danger regardless of the success of the test. This is valid for all similar test, btw.
Last edited by
Alphast on Fri 07 Oct 2016, 10:33, edited 1 time in total.