Page 16/Line 1: "It took centuries with countless [parties? people?] sharing the blame..."
There's a word missing after "countless."
P16/Line 9: "...colonization finally expanded, within [?] years growing to nine colonized worlds...
Seems to be a number missing before "years", specifying how long it took to grow to 9 colonized worlds.
P16/Line 15: "Even still, the N-9s now openly living and working..."
"Even still" does not read well in English. Both of these words indicate an upcoming contradiction, and the presence of both is confusing and redundant. "Even so,..." would read much better. Or maybe just "Still,...".
P16/last lines: "...single-handedly bolstered the city’s economy and sent a bold statement to the colonies. To the humans and Reps on Earth. Even to the LAPD. Wallace Corp will be watching over its city and its Replicants. Over them all."
The style of these sentence fragments is ungrammatical and inconsistent. This can be re-worded to have the same stylistic impact: "...single-handedly bolstered the city's economy and sent a bold statement to the colonies, to the humans and Reps on Earth, and even to the LAPD. Wallace Corp will be watching over its city and it replicants. Watching over them all."
[EDIT: I just read ahead. This use of stop-and-start sentence fragments seems to be used throughout the text. Liberally. Unapologetically. As grating to read as it is to type. Guess I'll have to give up on editing for sentence structure. Deep sigh. My English teacher rolls over in his grave.]
Last edited by DougR650
on Fri 17 Jun 2022, 00:08, edited 4 times in total.