psullie
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun 12 Dec 2021, 22:42

Re: The Electric State Alpha PDF Feedback - Chapters 1, 3, 4

Fri 12 Jan 2024, 17:28

In general hats off to Johan Nohr - superb layout and design of the spreads, I can't wait to thumb through the paper copy
 
User avatar
Tomas
Site Admin
Topic Author
Posts: 4913
Joined: Fri 08 Apr 2011, 11:31

Re: The Electric State Alpha PDF Feedback - Chapters 1, 3, 4

Fri 12 Jan 2024, 17:40

In general hats off to Johan Nohr - superb layout and design of the spreads, I can't wait to thumb through the paper copy
Thank you, I'll let him know!
Fria Ligan
 
User avatar
wizardpan
Posts: 15
Joined: Sat 19 Feb 2022, 20:22

Re: The Electric State Alpha PDF Feedback - Chapters 1, 3, 4

Fri 12 Jan 2024, 19:08

On the opening of Chapter Three, you have "There were heavily loaded cars everywhere. Beds, couches, and large TVs were carried out and lashed to trailers and car roofs." Wasn't sure if "lashed" should be "latched."
 
User avatar
wizardpan
Posts: 15
Joined: Sat 19 Feb 2022, 20:22

Re: The Electric State Alpha PDF Feedback - Chapters 1, 3, 4

Fri 12 Jan 2024, 19:22

Under the HEALTH AND HOPE section, the first line reads "LOOK AROUND WHAT USED TO BE America, and you see
decay, anguish, people giving up." I believe it should read "LOOK AROUND AT WHAT USED..." instead.
 
exidor
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu 11 Jan 2024, 18:13

Re: The Electric State Alpha PDF Feedback - Chapters 1, 3, 4

Fri 12 Jan 2024, 20:22

I don't agree with either of the two above. "Lashed" is fine in the context and "look around [what used to be] America" is pretty standard usage.
 
RobJN
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun 09 Oct 2022, 09:15

Re: The Electric State Alpha PDF Feedback - Chapters 1, 3, 4

Sat 13 Jan 2024, 00:12

Perhaps it is gone into more detail in an not-yet-revealed chapter, but a sentence or two around pages 22/23 on how to craft a new Talent would be helpful to a GM.

p. 25:
"...The sharpness and clarity of those dreams often fuzz with age until,...."
I think "blur" would be a better verb choice here.
"But the easy lure, the all-too-easy-dream of a neurocaster takes to many."
The verb "takes" doesn't quite make sense there, unless it takes too many. But then the sentence is incomplete: Too many what?

Or does the all-too-easy-dream talk to many? If that is more in line with what is meant, "talk" seems a bit too pedestrian a verb, in that sense. If it's easy, and alluring, then it needs to perhaps sing, like a siren. Or whisper. Or seduce.

Also, repetition of easy lure and all-too-easy-dream is repetitive.

p. 30's Starting Tension example:
"... I was thinking Valeria is on high horses..."
First off, kids: don't do drugs. And don't let your horses do drugs, either.

The idiom generally sticks to a single high horse.

p. 49: Body Armor

The descriptive text mentions Armor Level (and all subsequent mentions use that term), but the column for the value is listed as "Armor Rating" on the accompanying table.
 
Amraphel
Posts: 29
Joined: Sat 28 Nov 2020, 15:38

Re: The Electric State Alpha PDF Feedback - Chapters 1, 3, 4

Sat 13 Jan 2024, 22:12

Page 13, final section: the abbreviation ’90s ought to have an apostrophe, not a single opening quote mark (i.e. rather than —the difference may be hard to see, depending on your font). There is one occurrence in the paragraph that has neither, but it ought to have an apostrophe too.
 
Midgardsormr
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri 12 Jan 2024, 07:44

Re: The Electric State Alpha PDF Feedback - Chapters 1, 3, 4

Sun 14 Jan 2024, 00:04

page 31, first paragraph under "DEVELOPING YOUR TRAVELER": "…start the next session with the debriefing instead — it will work as a resume of the previous session." Resume as a noun is very uncommon. More appropriate might be "review" or "summary."

page 38, "…and those who told you to "be normal" scurry after piece they'll never, ever find." Should be "…scurry after peace…"
 
Nottheorc
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat 18 Jun 2022, 15:33

Re: The Electric State Alpha PDF Feedback - Chapters 1, 3, 4

Sun 14 Jan 2024, 02:13

Page 38, final sentence. "told you to “be normal” scurry after piece they’ll never, ever find." Should be "told you to “be normal” scurry
after peace they’ll never, ever find."
 
Siwen
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed 17 Jan 2024, 17:19

Re: The Electric State Alpha PDF Feedback - Chapters 1, 3, 4

Wed 17 Jan 2024, 17:25

P55.
"For each day with enough food or water, make a Strength roll. If you fail, you take 1 point of damage. "
I just wondering why it still need a Strength roll when having enough food or water? Should "with" be "without"?

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests