FishingOtter
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri 19 May 2023, 03:55

Re: Davokar Awakens Beta Feedback

Sun 21 May 2023, 22:59

The text box “Korinthia Dead” on page 14 misspells Dekamedo as “Dekemedo.”
The map on page 156-157 misspells “edible” as “edibel.”
On page 144, final paragraph of “Aluin’s Powers,” the “if” after “However…” should not be capitalized.
On page 140, the section “Esmerelda’s Artifacts” starts with some extra letters in the first word, which should just be “We.”
Page 132 (“Undead Templars”) states that there are 54 templars plus Alisabeta Vearra (55 total), but page 134 (“The Calm Before the Storm”) puts the count at 53. Page 168 references 54 Templars (plus presumably Alisabeta for a total of 55).
At least one word (possibly “The”) is missing from “The Throne Beast” section, paragraph 2, right before the word “armor” on page 132.
Vindel’s questions on page 116 (“The Welcome”) should be separated by question marks rather than commas: “Who are you? What do you want from us? What’s your purpose here?”
The word "goroth" is inconsistently capitalized (sometimes uppercase, sometimes lowercase) on page 92 ("The Heart" paragraphs 2 versus 3).
A period is best on page 20 between the words “...county capital of Kalfas” and “it is also said…” (in the section "Achievements").
On page 108, the section “Aon Aarou,” paragraph 4 should have the second word “Vigilant” italicized. Likewise, paragraph 2 of “The Dust Cloud” should have “Vigilant” italicized too.
On page 114, in the section “Factions,” there should be an “and” between “berries” and “...feed and slaughter animals.”
Last edited by FishingOtter on Mon 22 May 2023, 07:45, edited 2 times in total.
 
FishingOtter
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri 19 May 2023, 03:55

Re: Davokar Awakens Beta Feedback

Sun 21 May 2023, 23:44

The comma after “the Night of Slaughter,” on page 20 (first paragraph) should be inside quotation marks. Same with the semicolon on page 32 after “pure magic” (second to last paragraph). Same with the comma after “exalted” on page 118 (first paragraph after Ogoron's dialogue). Likewise, the commas in the section "Remember Aon Aarou:" on page 97 should all be inside of the quotation marks rather than after them (“regent/emperor,” “palace,” and “koaral/corruption,”...).
The same is true for the commas misplaced in items 3, 5, 9, and 14 on page 98. There should also be an Oxford comma after “the will of the city” in item 3 ("Remember Asbarast") on page 98.
There's a missing Oxford comma after the word “seaweed” on page 110 (section “Arrival,” paragraph 1 of the flavor text). The text should read: "It smells of ocean, seaweed, and salt water."
Likewise, there's a missing comma after the word "influence" on page 139, paragraph 2 of "Goals." It should read: "...importance of noble blood: power, influence, and magic should only..."
There's an extra comma after “darkness of the forest” on page 81 ("The Pyramid" section).
There’s an extra bracket at the end of the first sentence on page 58 (the "Sneaking" section).
There's no period at the end of the final sentence in the text box on “Other Sources” on page 85.
The last “I” in Korinthia’s letter is a bit awkward on page 37. It should be dropped or the verb "know" should be repeated for emphasis.
There should be a comma between “Jeseebegai or Brother Eumenos” on page 20 ("Suggested Leaders").
On "Chart 7: Finds in Ambal Seba," item 17, the comma after "forgive" should go inside the quotation marks, as should the period after "tolerate."

I'm still going over everything and will try to re-read it all a second time before the deadline if I can. Please feel free to ask if for clarification if any of my comments are unclear.
 
FishingOtter
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri 19 May 2023, 03:55

Re: Davokar Awakens Beta Feedback

Sun 21 May 2023, 23:52

Page 20:
his forces have been able to repel the enemy attacks so far instead of his forces have so far been able to repel the enemy’s attacks
Lots of good suggestions here!

Replacing "so far" with "thus far" is also an option that adds a somewhat archaic (but common) word choice that might be ideal for fantasy writing.
 
FishingOtter
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri 19 May 2023, 03:55

Re: Davokar Awakens Beta Feedback

Mon 22 May 2023, 07:35

On page 158, paragraph 2 of “Journey to the Mother Tree,” the names of monster types (Crypt Lord, Dragouls) are not capitalized as they normally are. There’s no page reference for where to find Dragoul stats (Core book, page 230). Likewise, on page 185 under “Wyrhta Triumphs,” paragraph 2, the word “Vapayas” should be capitalized to be consistent.

Page 168: “rogue” is misspelled as “rouge” (“Reconnaissance” section, paragraph 1).

On page 175, there’s an Oxford comma missing after the words “page 139” (section “Playing a Pitched Battle,” paragraph 2). For clarity, the last sentence of page 175 should say: “...the player characters can win, but also can lose…”

On page 184 under “Wielda Triumphs,” the line in the second to last paragraph should be broken up to: “...why not use it to make life better for your subjects and allies? They would be so very happy and grateful!”

Page 144, in the section “The Iron Pact,” refers to Uron as Garavarax’s sister: “For the elves know what is fettered beneath Symbar: Garavarax’s sister, the giant serpent known in legend as Uron, now thoroughly corrupted and bursting with hatred.” The same is true of page 146 (last bullet point under “The Eternity Elves”). On page 180, Uron is referenced in a gender-neutral fashion (“its spawn”), which is fine. However, the three flavor texts involving outcomes for Aloena, Aluin, and the Emperor’s Spirit all reference Uron as male:
“She grabs the spikes on his neck. The song changes, and after a momentary silence, Uron sets off north with Aloéna sitting on the back of his neck, never to be seen again."
“The monster rises above Symbar, turns his head, sees the next group of people fleeing in panic. But then he twitches. And again. A gleaming sword tip glints at the top of his abdomen, near the head – a sword tip moving rapidly down the serpent’s body. Uron roars, writhes, strikes at the world around him. But he cannot reach Aluin…”
“Uron roars but there is nothing he can do; he flees underground but returns just as quickly, unable to escape his tormentors. Scratch by scratch, bite by bite, piece by piece, the mighty serpent is devoured before your eyes. The wrathful Emperor Spirit and his loyal subjects do not stop, even as Uron drops dead onto the palace rock. They will not stop until they have destroyed him to the bone.”
 
paladin-neil
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun 21 May 2023, 18:42

Re: Davokar Awakens Beta Feedback

Mon 22 May 2023, 17:44

few more:

p112 - 'seeds and cutlings' - should be 'cuttings'
p113 - 'front and rear [...] of the hull reaches out' - should be 'reach'
p135 - 'ordered the establishment a more prominent position' - should be OF a more prominent position
p140 - margin text 'ViWe assume that' - Typo, delete 'vi'
 
Agoca80
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun 21 May 2023, 22:19

Re: Davokar Awakens Beta Feedback

Mon 22 May 2023, 18:30

Weird spacing in page 24, third paragraph of the cauldron description. A little bit ahead a mist that is either corrupting, diseased, or poisonous should be a mist that is either corrupting, sickening, or poisonous. A little bit ahead again: the radius of 500 meters should be a radius of 500 meters or a 500 meters radius. Second paragraph under Na-Ethikel Ambreagos: In any event should be In any case
 
Agoca80
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun 21 May 2023, 22:19

Re: Davokar Awakens Beta Feedback

Mon 22 May 2023, 19:03

Page 26, first paragraph under battles: … that better suits your gaming group should read … that suits your gaming group better

Page 27
First paragraph: the settlement’s inhabitants should read the settlement inhabitants instead. A little ahead: the captain of the settlement’s guard force reads better the captain of the settlement guard .
In second last paragraph: with weapons in hand should be with weapons at hand, to join the leader’s personal combat unit, at the center front of the army’s ranks should be to join the personal combat unit of the leader, at the center of the army ranks

Page 29
First paragraph: the adventure’s structure should read the adventure structure or the structure of the adventure. A little bit ahead: The chapter’s third section is about just that should be The third section of the chapter is just about that

Saxon genitive is not used for places except countries and alike (Symbaroum’s darkness OR the darkness of the empire, no the empire’s darkness).
 
Agoca80
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun 21 May 2023, 22:19

Re: Davokar Awakens Beta Feedback

Mon 22 May 2023, 21:45

Page 33, Timeline, second paragraph: missing spaces in TheadventureDavokarAwakensiswrittenfortheplayerchar

Page 34, the players characters:
While creating adversaries for the Davokar Awakens should be While creating the adversaries for Davokar Awakens
 
jmherri
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue 23 May 2023, 12:08

Re: Davokar Awakens Beta Feedback

Tue 23 May 2023, 12:09

P. 94 The Codex of Truth box: needs reformatting. It there are no spaces between the words for the first several lines.
“ Inalacqueredwoodenbox(approx.40×50cm)paintedwithfloral…”

P. 140 Esmeralda’s Artifacts: “ViWe assume that Esmeralda…”

P. 178 “their force may be worth 1800 or 900 combat points, which are doubled by the temporary defenses left behind by the Templars.”
I believe what is being said is that the force is worth 1800 combat points - 900 points that are doubled by the temporary defenses. It is, however, confusing in its current form.
“Their force may be worth 1800 combat points, or 900 points which are doubled by the temporary defenses…” would help to clarify (or the use of a dash, as above), if that is, in fact, what is intended.
 
Agoca80
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun 21 May 2023, 22:19

Re: Davokar Awakens Beta Feedback

Tue 23 May 2023, 20:31

Page 55,
a successful diversion reduces the number of enemies instead of a successful diversion reduces the enemy’s numbers

Page 59, Elfeno’s armor should be higher 5/6? (Armoured III + Robust I), not 1

Page 76, table 5 header, missing space in Terrainin

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