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Please use this thread to post feedback and report any typos or errors in the Agrella - City of Eternal Euphoria Alpha PDF. Guidelines to remember:
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Please report your feedback no later than October 23, 2024.
Thank you!
/Team Symbaroum

Overall, the book seems polished and well-written, so major props to the editors/writers! I'll make some suggestions (some slightly nitpicky) because I enjoy your games so much. Hopefully, my suggestions come across in the constructive tone they're intended! If anything is unclear about what I'm suggesting or why, please let me know.

I notice that a lot of the descriptions are in passive voice (what is done) rather than active voice (who does what). I mention that stylistic choice because some sections could add more mood-setting and control the tone better if they were in active voice. For instance, on page 15, under the “Serado” heading, paragraph 3, the text reads: “At night, parts of Serado are transformed into a haven of pleasure. Music and revelry can be heard from open windows. The district’s wealthy residents are constantly trying to outdo each other in offering exotic dishes and exciting entertainment. It is said that during some of the parties, more food is consumed than most Ambrian families eat in a month, while the participants intoxicate themselves on corrupting drugs.”

If written in the active voice, it would be something like: “At night, parts of Serado transform into havens of pleasure. Music and revelry sound from open windows. The district’s wealthy residents constantly try to outdo each other by offering the most exotic dishes and exciting entertainment. Envious locals accusingly whisper that during some of the parties, the wealthy consume more food than most Ambrian families eat in a month, while the participants intoxicate themselves on corrupting drugs.”

Using the active voice forces the writers to replace empty words like “It is said…” with more precise - and potentially more descriptive - phrasing. It isn’t wrong to use passive voice, but I’ll point out the times when it seems awkward or if it inhibits clarity.

My suggestions/observations so far:
On page 12, under the heading “The Introduction of the Joy Mandate,” there should be a hyphen: “This socially-imposed cheerfulness quickly became a point of pride and honor for the Agrellans.”

On page 13, under the heading “The Grove Feud,” I’d suggest specifying the subject of the sentence for clarity: “This decision caused great outrage in the district.” Likewise, in the sentence that follows, it should read: “Then some protesters began to perch…”
Also on page 13, under the heading “The Sorrow Plague,” I’d suggest adding a noun specifying the subject of the sentence for clarity: “This proved disastrous” should probably be something akin to “These decisions proved disastrous.”

On page 15, under the heading “Serado,” the first sentence of the third paragraph is a little awkward. Instead of: “At night, parts of Serado are transformed into a haven of pleasure,” it can be: “At night, parts of Serado transform into havens of pleasure.” The passive voice is unnecessary/distracting and there is a number-disagreement between “parts” (plural) and “a haven” (singular). Of course, the collective parts could form a singular haven, but the suggested rewording just sounds more natural to me.

On page 16, the last sentence of the section “Mariner’s Court” is a little wordy. Instead of: “This is where many visitors to Agrella first step ashore, which naturally means that the place is characterized by drunkenness, shady deals, and other things that sailors and strangers tend to bring with them,” it could be: “Many visitors to Agrella first step ashore here, which…”

Also on page 16, the third sentence of the section “Knight’s Isle and the Sun Islets” uses the phrase “opulent calm,” which isn’t a natural/common word pairing. It seems like the description is intended to express isolation and loneliness, so perhaps “an isolating calm” or “lonely calm.” Perhaps rewriting the two sentences as “The buildings consist mainly of large houses with opulent, fenced gardens. Knight’s Isle and the Sun Islets exude a serene loneliness” would capture the feeling of isolation and calm on account of the opulence.

On page 17, the final two sentences of the “Knight’s Isle and the Sun Islets” section are unclearly phrased. They say: “In the past all Agrella’s bridges were tolled, but this was abolished by the City Council and the Steward four years ago as it was causing too much practical difficulties for traders and townspeople. However, the Haldomed Collegium negotiated an exemption from the abolition and even raised the tariff.” Specifically, the phrase “this was abolished” is unclear (because the preceding subject is the city’s bridges, plural) and the phrase “exemption from the abolition” is a double-negative that further detracts from clarity. Instead, the sentence should say something like: “In the past, all Agrella’s bridges bore tolls, but the tariffs were abolished by the City Council and Steward four years ago due to the practical difficulties they caused for traders and townspeople. However, the Haldomed Collegium negotiated a maintenance of the fees, even raising their bridge’s toll.”

Also on page 17, right after the page reference, the phrase “...serves as an example of the fact that people of Pine Isle are not easily pushed around…” should include the article “the,” saying instead: “...serves as an example of the fact that the people of Pine Isle are not easily pushed around…”

On page 17, the final sentence includes an unclear subject with the word “it,” which refers to a noun, not an action. At present, the line reads: “Some say Almeano would gladly throw out the small permanent cadre of seamstresses led by the fiery Abrina who are pressing him for concessions, but does not dare, afraid of how it would affect production.” Instead, the sentence should read: “Some say Almeano would gladly throw out the small permanent cadre of seamstresses - led by the fiery Abrina - who are pressing him for concessions, but does not dare, afraid of how doing so would affect production.”

On page 19, the last sentence of paragraph one of the section “The Battle of Organizers” is awkwardly phrased because it mentions being reminded of “this,” which the sentence only later specifies. The sentence says: “Organizers who skimp on food, drink, or entertainment are often reminded of this for years and can have their careers ruined over such mistakes.” It should be “Organizers who skimp on food, drink, or entertainment are often reminded of these mistakes for years, potentially ruining their careers.”

Also on page 19, to maintain consistency, the punctuation should be inside of quotation marks (“The Scattering of the Eternal Night,” and “The Lightbringer.”), following conventions of American English rather than British English.

On page 36 “Citadell Archive” in section heading has an extra “l” and should be “Citadel Archive.”

On page 80, the punctuation should be inside of quotation marks (“the Mask Master,” Dorea “the Powder Bird,”).

I'll try to read more and make additional suggestions soon, but I've only had a little time with the PDF draft so far.

When can se expect the last two chapters in the alpha pdf?

Since the next stat block layout only have bonus or penalty it could be a good idea with a sidebar explaining how to role under a stat for NPC. Would be helpful for new GM’s.

On page 22, under the heading "The Ambrian Navy and Its Ships," the text uses the word "class" or "classes" with a high degree of word repetition. I would diversify the word choice in the third and fourth sentences, plus shorten the introductory phrase of "In addition to these" down to "Additionally," as the extra words don't add anything to the sentence. Finally, I would change the commas in the fourth sentence to dashes to improve the flow of the sentence. Altogether, I suggest that the third sentence be: "Additionally, Igorio Garmel, the owner of the shipyard, is experimenting with a new extravagant model of massive warships. The ship expected to be ready first - and thus lend its name to the entire line - is called the Kohinoor."

Also on page 22, under the heading "The Mariner's Court Shipyard," the first two sentences of the second paragraph are in the passive voice ("It is well known..." and "It is claimed..."). To bring this paragraph more to life, I would rephrase the second sentence into the active voice: "Several powerful figures have spoken out against the project, claiming that its construction is eating up the shipyard's resources." I also think that "consuming" is a stronger word choice than "eating up," but that's entirely stylistic and perhaps personal preference (I just find it more evocative).

On page 23, paragraph 2, it should be "the Duchess's behalf" rather than "the Duchess' behalf" (which matches "the Archduchess's Residence" in the next column).

On page 24 ("The Sun Church," right where the 1st column ends and the 2nd column begins), the term "much loved" should be hyphenated as "much-loved." Likewise, on page 26 (last sentence of paragraph 2), it should be "well-advised" instead of "well advised." Similarly, the "ably led" on page 27 ("Elfeno Collegium") is a compound adjective that should be "ably-led."

I just wanted to note that Chapter 4 is well-written and flows very naturally and poetically. Well done to the author(s); your phrasing and word choice is effective.

On page 37, the section on the adept/research assistant (bullet point one) is strangely formatted because it says "... Archivist II (see the Monster Codex, page 127)..." while Archivist is in the Advanced Player's Guide, page 52. Perhaps a better write-up would be: "The adept has Cunning 13, Loremaster (novice) (as "Novice of the Order" in the Monster Codex, page 127), plus Archivist II - see the Advanced Player's Guide, page 52."

For the 3rd bullet point on page 37, the word "Persuasive" should be italicized in "...after a successful Persuasive test..."

For the introductory flavor text on page 38, I would combine the first two sentences: "The peninsula where Windwalker's colonizers first settled sists at the end of a ridge running north to south, evident in the districts' streets' gentle downward slopes towards Kalvera."

On page 39 ("Ward Isle"), the compound adjective should be "well-placed" instead of "well placed."

On page 42 ("Massakern I Kalvera"), Prios's title should be "the One," as he is referred to in the Core book, Karvosti: the Witchhammer, Adventure Pack 4, etc. He is referred to as "the One god" (with a little "g") in Yndaros: the Darkest Star once, but the convention seems to be to refer to him as "the One" rather than the "One God/god."

On page 51 (right above the "The Temptations of Corruption" section), the adventure title The Outrage of Betrayed Brethren should be italicized. The same applies on page 56 (first sentence after "The Player Characters' Entry").

On page 54 ("The Corps," paragraph 2), the comma should be inside the quotation marks ("The Agrellan Rebirth Corps," instead of "The Agrellan Rebirth Corps",). The same is true of page 55 for "the Smiter" and page 56 for "protectors."

On page 58, the formatting for the artifact The Gills of Daaran is a little inconsistent with past write-ups. The line that starts with "The talisman is an artifact..." should end with a colon, not a period. The power Like a Fish to Water should be indented.

On page 59, the text for the picture says "Igorio av Garmel" instead of "Igorio Garmel."

On page 63, table 2.1, outcome 1, the ability Witchsight should be italicized. On page 63, for outcome 4, the ability Loremaster should be italicized. On page 65, the same applies for table 2.5, outcome 2 and Discreet. On page 66, table 2.7, outcome 4, Discreet should be italicized.

On page 72, introductory sentence, the punctuation is somewhat backward in regard to commas and dashes. It should be: "In this campaign - designed to let the players discover Agrella, the City of Eternal Euphoria - the player characters are drawn into a series of events that will allow them to uncover a conspiracy against the city and its inhabitants."

On page 84 ("Investigations") for bullet point 3, there should be an Oxford comma after "the Mask Master." It should read: "...the Powder Bird, the Mask Master, and the Sungazer."

On page 85 ("Conversations With Tenid") for bullet point 4, the abilities Alchemy, Poisoner, and Medicus should be italicized.

On page 91, in "Junia's Testimony," I think that replacing "wimp" with "mouse" is a stronger word choice. "Wimp" is heavily-gendered in English, so it's pretty rare (but not unheard of) to hear women/girls being referred to as a "wimp." For meek girls, they are much more frequently called a "mouse" to emphasize their timidness. It's not wrong to call her a "wimp," but it feels more natural to me as a native speaker to hear her called a "mouse."

On page 93, "Document 2," there should be an Oxford comma after "the Wanderer."

On page 97, for Day 2, there's a missing article. It should read: "...he wanted to give Fireo a job..."

On page 111, the last sentence of paragraph 2 of "The Mare Cat" should have a comma: "...to do it for her, as she herself lacks that expertise)."

On page 116, the last sentence of paragraph 2 of "A Discreet Mission," with the current phrasing, the number "1" should be written out at the start of the sentence: "One thaler will be paid in advance and the rest on completion." Doing so will make it consistent with "five thaler" in the preceding sentence and match the pattern that small numbers are usually written out in English (except in things like game mechanics and charts). Alternatively (my preference), make it consistent by writing: "5 thaler each for an evening's work -1 thaler in advance and the rest on completion." Note: I don't think "will be paid" is necessary if shortened and combined with the preceding sentence.

Likewise, on page 81 ("The Game"), bullet point 2, I would suggest that the 2nd and 3rd sentences be combined: "In other words, the opposing team gains 7 points per round, plus 1 additional point per brazier lost by the team."

On page 117 ("Queen Herolea"), the conjunction "although" isn't the strongest choice because it usually comes at the beginning of a new sentence to qualify the one behind it. It the current phrasing, replacing it with "but" would make it flow better. Also, when we say "her own guard," we mean the guard as a whole, rather than an individual member, so rephrasing that section is ideal. I suggest rephrasing both sentences slightly to: "Her reign was short and marred by scandals surrounding her debauched and frivolous lifestyle, reportedly ending in the aftermath of a three-day revelry. Although the circumstances were never fully explained, some rumors claimed that she was poisoned by one of her own guards, a member of House Argona who hoped to claim the throne for his own house."

On page 118 ("The Blight Beast Race"), the period should go inside the quotation marks for "abominations."

On page 124 (for the sidebar "The Wraith Owl Dead"), the adventure name for Retribution should be italicized (currently it is not italicized in sentence 1 but is in sentence 3).

Also on page 124 (for the sidebar "The Dagger Winterfang, Artifact"), the punctuation at the end of the flavor text should be a colon: "The dagger is an artifact with the following powers:" To match formatting in other adventures, the power names should be indented for "The Winter's Bite..." and "...Pierces All."

On page 126 ("The Wraith Owl's Room," paragraph 4), I would change the punctuation for the first two sentences to make the list of contents part of the first sentence: "The room is simply furnished: a bed, a table, a chair."

On page 131, italicize The Assassination to maintain consistency.

Acts I-II:
On page 30 on the quote in the marginal sidebar, “anymore” should be split into 2 words: “any more.” “Anymore” is a word, but only refers to time, not to quantity/volume of things.

Act II:
On page 136 (“The Realm of the Order’s Plan”), there is an extra space and period after the first sentence (between the words “exploited” and “When”).

In the next paragraph, first sentence, it should say: “Act I: Intrigue” with a colon between the two words to maintain consistency with previous formatting.

For sentence four in the subsequent paragraph, I would suggest starting the sentence with “Next” instead of “Then” to reduce word redundancy with the preceding sentence: "Next, under various aliases as a traveling merchant, he has sold them on to others in Agrella."

In sentence five of the same paragraph, I would specify the quality of what: “...even though the drinks’ quality varies a bit.” Since the subject of the sentences changes, more specific wording is helpful for clarity’s sake.

On page 137 (“Sixty Barrels of Stut,” paragraph 2, last sentence), I would split up the final sentence into two, change the word “agreed” to “agreed-upon,” and alter the grammar slightly: “However, one of his buyers, Urbina, did not bother to wait for the agreed-upon pick-up date. Instead, she went straight to the storage site - and through her stubbornness - managed to leave with the five barrels she had ordered… a mistake Numano will not realize until it is too late.”

On page 137 (“Herado’s Carousal”), I would add emphasis with the word “just” in the last sentence of paragraph 2: “The occasion is just too joyous to pass up…”

On page 137 (“The Structure of the Act,” paragraph 1, sentence 2), please remove the apostrophe after “player characters.” In paragraph 2, sentence 3, please italicize the title of the sidebar “Timescale for the Player Characters.” In sentences 4-5, combine the two sentences since the final sentence isn’t a complete thought: “There will probably not be enough time to follow up on every lead, so the characters will need to prioritize, make difficult decisions, and possibly split up in order to cover as much as they can - which is, of course, the point of the design.” If that phrasing seems a little bulky, an alternative is: “There will probably not be enough time to follow up on every lead, so the characters will need to prioritize, make difficult decisions, and possibly split up in order to cover as much as they can - which is, of course, intentional.”

On page 138 (“Timeline,” point 12), please italicize the name of the ship the Naiad to maintain consistency with previous chapters (see the sidebar “The Ambrian Navy and its Ships” on page 22, for example).

On page 138 (“The Darkness of the Stut,” paragraph 2, sentence 2), you could change the phrasing from “Who this person is is up to…” to “The identity of this person is up to…” if you’d like. It makes sense as written, but the repetition of “is” in written English isn’t as smooth as in verbal English. It works as written, but may cause readers to stumble and reread the sentence if they are going quickly (but it’s entirely a matter of preference).

On page 139 (“The Birth of the Blight Beasts,” last sentence), I would add “On the” and a comma: “On the next turn, it attacks the characters and their contact.”

On page 139 (“Herado’s Story,” paragraph 2, sentence 1), please add “and” before the word “cups.”

On page 140 (“The Horrified Merchant,” bullet point 1), “Eider Is-land” should be “Eider Island” and “in-sisted” should be “insisted” (non-hyphenated). For bullet point 2, there is something slightly poetic but a little unclear about the sentence: “She knows nothing more about Gordeo; it is all he has told her.” A clearer phrasing might be: “She knows nothing more about Gordeo, as he’s told her precisely nothing about himself.”

On page 141 (“The Warehouse,” numbers 2 and 3), the attribute Strong should be italicized.

On page 144 (“The Unsent Enemy,” bullet point 5, last sentence), “de-scribed” should be “described” (non-hyphenated).

On page 145 (“A Bitter Captain”), the last sentence before the bullet points should end in a colon instead of a period. The same applies to the last sentence before the bullet points on page 146: “...for these meetings:” and “...in two other points:”

On page 147 (“Wanted” sidebar), the term “Wanted Level” should probably be italicized to be consistent with the game status Wanted.

On page 150 (“The Goblin’s Anguish,” first line on the page), “...something… A thaler?” shouldn’t have capitalization. It should read: ‘...something… a thaler?”

On page 152 (“Quid Pro Quo,” 2nd to last paragraph, last sentence), Defense should be italicized.

On page 152 (“The Congress,” paragraph 3, first sentence), I would suggest specifying the subject of the sentence for added clarity: “After this process, the district wards are invited…” The word “ceremony” might also work.

On page 154 (“Seeking Information,” sentence 3), the boon Contacts should be italicized.

On page 155 (“Seeking Information,” last sentence after the numbers 1-4), there should be an Oxford comma after “Toady (pages XXX).” The same applies on page 156 on the first sentence of the page.

On page 156 (“Ambush,” paragraph 1, last sentence), please italicize Vigilant.

On page 158 (“Investigations,” bullet point 2), please italicize Vigilant.

On page 158 (“Treachery in the Empty Hand,” paragraph 1), the act Intrigue should be italicized. The same is true of page 159 (“Barado’s Offer,” bullet point 1).

On page 160 (“Conversations with Neighbors,” paragraph 2), the sentence preceding the bullet points should end in a colon rather than a period.

The same is true of page 162 (“The Stakeout,” first paragraph), “This can lead to one of three outcomes as shown in the table:” and page 163 (“The Player Characters Intervene,” first paragraph, last sentence). On page 165 (“The Escape,” right before the bullet points), the same applies.

On page 166 (“Preparation,” paragraph 1, 2nd to last sentence), the ability Loremaster and attribute Cunning should be italicized.

I'll look over everything another time to see if anything else jumps out at me...

On page 22 ("The Ambrian Navy and its Ships"), I would italicize the Kohinoor (in 2 places in paragraph 2) to maintain consistency with italicizing all ship proper names.

On page 37 ("The Citadel Archive"), the first sentence of page 37 should end in a colon rather than a period: "Searching the archive is done as described on
page 100 of the Advanced Player’s Guide, with the following additions:"

On page 52 ("The Realm of the Order’s Agents," sidebar), the sentence before the bullet points should end in a colon rather than a period: "The following six individuals form the current core of the cell:"

The same applies on page 72 ("Rumors About Sarlea," sidebar), "Suggestions on information that can be shared by the Game Master before each act or mentioned in passing by different contacts:"

Also, on page 81 ("The Game,"), the last sentence before the bullet points should end in a colon rather than a period: "In that case the outcome of the game can be decided as follows:"

On page 91 between the bullet points, the following sentence should end in a colon: "There are four more objects in the box, wrapped in a rough blanket:" Likewise, the three lists of bullet points on pages 100-101 should all have colons instead of periods before the bullet points.

On page 118, the last sentence in column 1 before the list should end in a colon: "Let the player characters react whenever and however they wish, based on the following chain of events, provided that they do not intervene:"

On page 133 ("The Assassination"), another transition into a list should end with a colon rather than a period: "If the Wraith Owl spots the Benefactor at the party, she strikes without delay. From the player characters’ perspective, this can happen in one of two ways:"

Due to time constraints, I may have missed a few things... but, all in all, these suggestions are really minor grammatical issues at this point. For almost all the comments above, it's just that transitioning into a list should usually involve a colon.

The book looks well-written, well-polished, and super fun. I can't wait to see the final product!